Needing Meditation

Another sleepless night.
I'd go to the gym if I wasn't afraid of something happening while I was gone.
Sometimes I think I'm going nuts.
It's good though. Mostly.

I'm still waiting on the NRA to get my instructor certs to me, so I can send Austin, so I can take the CHL instructor class. Everything always moves so slowly.

 I had to fork over a few hundred bucks for a piece of paper to send people so I can get another piece of paper so I can teach something I already know. Well, that's not entirely true. I'm sure I'll learn a lot of things I don't know at the class. Once I finally take the fucking thing.

I'm trying to so hard to be smart, to set up everything I do to work for me.
And everything is moving so, painfully fucking slow.

I don't know how much time I have left. I doubt it will be long. I'm afraid she already needs care that is beyond my capacity. We had a real rough couple of weeks, capped by an exceptionally rough weekend, and this week has been surprisingly not bad at all.

And I'm trying to look forward. To what's next, to where I want to be.
I'd be lying if I said that wasn't particularly hard at the moment.

Right now, it feels just like one more thing I failed at.
And it's not so much that I've failed at everything, it just feels that way.
And you just feel doomed. Destined to fail.

And I know I'm not.
The only destiny we have is what we make for ourselves.
But, sometimes it's harder than normal to not revel in the Great Mind Fuck.

I need to meditate.
Clear my head, focus on what I can affect and effect right now.

I'm looking forward to what's ahead.
A small apartment in my hometown.
Focusing on fitness and writing. Shooting, and teaching.
Getting back to the woods.
I miss the woods something fierce, holy fuck.

So, anyway.

Guess I'll go meditate now.