Thursday, April 4, 2013

Needing Meditation

Another sleepless night.
I'd go to the gym if I wasn't afraid of something happening while I was gone.
Sometimes I think I'm going nuts.
It's good though. Mostly.

I'm still waiting on the NRA to get my instructor certs to me, so I can send Austin, so I can take the CHL instructor class. Everything always moves so slowly.

 I had to fork over a few hundred bucks for a piece of paper to send people so I can get another piece of paper so I can teach something I already know. Well, that's not entirely true. I'm sure I'll learn a lot of things I don't know at the class. Once I finally take the fucking thing.

I'm trying to so hard to be smart, to set up everything I do to work for me.
And everything is moving so, painfully fucking slow.

I don't know how much time I have left. I doubt it will be long. I'm afraid she already needs care that is beyond my capacity. We had a real rough couple of weeks, capped by an exceptionally rough weekend, and this week has been surprisingly not bad at all.

And I'm trying to look forward. To what's next, to where I want to be.
I'd be lying if I said that wasn't particularly hard at the moment.

Right now, it feels just like one more thing I failed at.
And it's not so much that I've failed at everything, it just feels that way.
And you just feel doomed. Destined to fail.

And I know I'm not.
The only destiny we have is what we make for ourselves.
But, sometimes it's harder than normal to not revel in the Great Mind Fuck.

I need to meditate.
Clear my head, focus on what I can affect and effect right now.

I'm looking forward to what's ahead.
A small apartment in my hometown.
Focusing on fitness and writing. Shooting, and teaching.
Getting back to the woods.
I miss the woods something fierce, holy fuck.

So, anyway.

Guess I'll go meditate now.


  1. Maybe some kind of nurse during the day could help. Then while a nurse is available you could go workout. Otherwise, maybe it is time for a place that deals with dementia to help out. I think people feel like they are dropping their duty to take care of their parents, but by asking for help you are allowing time for the things you need to do, such as working out, writing the next book without interuption, or fixing the gutter on the house. I like the idea of an apartment, so will it be in the woods?

    1. I don't know where it will be. Preferrably cheap, and near the gym/pool.

  2. I'm sorry bro. It's a bitch of a disease. I won't tell you all the shit you already know about only being able to do what you're able to do... and about certainly not failing in anything... I will tell you to call your family to come watch Grandma so you can get a few hours off to go meditate in the woods. Stress kills.